Suffocated by the Silver Lining

I have claustrophobia- I can’t stand to be in confining places, have blankets over my head, or feel things covering my mouth. Lately I’ve been feeling a little more suffocated, but metaphorically, by this insistence that we look at the silver lining of whatever tough thing we’re facing. There are infographics on social media tell us how to handle tough times, advice from well-intentioned loved ones, and just an overall sense of guilt that makes me feel like it’s wrong to be upset by life’s obstacles.

Remember, there’s someone in the world that wishes they had a home in need of fixing/cleaning.

Remember, there’s an infertile mother that hopes to have a child who makes a mess in her house.

Remember, there are people in poverty who are happy with only a fraction of the income you have.

Remember, even when things are tough you have the health of you and your loved ones.

There are Instagram accounts that showcase families dealing with the deaths of their babies, there are gofundmes dedicated to raising funds to rebuild homes that are lost to fires, and event notifications on Facebook for candlelight vigils honoring people lost in tragic shootings/accidents/cancer.

Someone always has it worse. Always.

And because of that we’re supposed to shut up when non-catastrophic things happen.

I’ve been guilty of this mindset, both in terms of pushing it on myself and others. It’s supposed to provide perspective and encourage gratitude, both incredibly important, useful concepts. It’s a gentle reminder to those who may need it, it’s an urging to take a step back and breathe.

It’s also a total invalidation of people’s emotions. Sure, maybe you make six figures and your car won’t start. So what? You have the means to fix it, right? But maybe you actually don’t, because you’re helping your kid through college and had to spend a quarter of your income the year before on a spouse’s medical deductibles.  Sure, maybe you have three darling kids who are naturally going to be loud and messy, but maybe you suffer from migraines and struggle to make it through the work day. Whatever it may be, there’s often so much going on behind the scenes that others don’t see.

The messaging above, and this sort of obligatory guilt people are made to feel (even it’s self-induced), make it seem as if you can’t feel anything short of thanks if you have things that others are lacking. If you aren’t pausing during every single moment of struggle to recognize that it could be worse, acknowledging that silver living, you might just be a Bad Person.

It’s suffocating. Not being able to acknowledge those feelings and stew in them every single day is absolutely stifling. “Little” things add up and take a tremendous toll over time. 

Sure, there’s a limit and there are boundaries. Someone who stubs her toe shouldn’t lament the pain to their sister with breast cancer. Someone who makes a ton of money should probably not spend a week complaining about how Amazon keeps losing their packages. The list goes on and on;  you do have to be mindful of who, what, and where you vent your emotions about the things in life that go wrong. We call know who the complainers in our lives are, and we don’t want to join that club.

But sometimes, just sometimes, it’s okay that you feel like trash because of the accumulation of the things that are bothering you in your life.  

I am a product of this silver lining mentality and the last week or two I’ve just been… mad. And anxious. And depressed. Partially, it’s because January is a notoriously gloomy month that just seems so damn blah after the festive holiday season. But there have been things going on in my life, other than the ceiling leak, that I’m tired of finding the silver lining about. I don’t want to wallow indefinitely, as my temperament tends to be more buoyant that mentality. But things got to the point recently where I was just done. I have a hard time completely sharing the true ins and outs of my life with others (I have lots of friends who get pieces; this person knows about this, another person knows about that, etc…), so for me it was just a personal, internal acceptance that I was unhappy. I didn’t force myself to instantly make a list of ways to solve the problems like I normally do, I didn’t distract myself, I just accepted that there are a lot of things going on that could be better.

And worse, I know. I KNOW.

But for a few days I sat with myself and didn’t sugar coat things. It felt honest, it felt acceptable, and it helped. The problems are still there, and so are the feelings, but I’ve validated my own emotions and I feel better right now. In a time where we desperately want quick fixes and for everything to be shiny this was hard, but sometimes you deserve to feel like shit for whatever big or small thing you want to feel like shit for.  

Bookish (and not so Bookish) Thoughts

Fine. I confess. I’m totally going to listen to Jessica Simpson’s memoir. Does anyone remember her MTV reality show with Nick Lachey? Just me?

I’ve mentioned this podcast before, Bad on Paper, but I just have to mention that Alyssa Mastromonaco did her third episode with them, explaining some things about Caucasus and primaries, and it was so interesting. She’s the best and I just DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WON’T ACCEPT MY INSTAGRAM REQUEST AND BE MY BEST FRIEND. Someday I am going to do a huge post on her and then inevitably it will show up on someone’s Google alerts on her (her own, her agents, whomever) and she will be forced to accept my love. Or be afraid. Anyway, just listen.

I just want to officially put this out there: the other day a coworker delivered a box of Girl Scout cookies to me and the entire day that it say in clear sight on my desk I only ate two. I also bought a gallon of water to drink this week at my desk, alongside Diet Coke. Is this not proof of miracles?

I have officially begun my IB IOC testing, which means over the course of a little over a month I am out of the classroom 1-3 days a week to orally assess my students in twenty minute blocks. It’s absolutely grueling- I test 11 kids a day, 8 of which are back-to-back, which is just sooooooo long. Meanwhile, I have to do sub plans for each day, grade the work they do while I’m out, and still plan for the other days I am there. I can’t wait for it to be over.

This weekend is it! I drive down to Huntington Beach on Saturday afternoon to pick up my race bib and then am spending the night the night down there so I can get up bright and early and run the half! I know I won’t run a fast race; I am more focused on endurance. Last time I ran a half was like four years ago and I crashed and burned big time, since I hadn’t trained well. This time I have stuck to a plan, completing an 11 miler last Saturday. I have some friends from work doing it and my cousin, too, so I think it’ll just be a fun time! Plus I will get some time to myself, which is always nice.

Tomorrow I (tentatively) have a personal post going up about how frustrated I have been feeling with the “everything’s fine, it could be worse” mentality. January has been a tough month on me, for a variety of reasons: some things at home, gloomy weather, stressful ruminating, etc… I’m always hesitant to post things like this, but I’ve been really interested in the personal essay form lately, so it was a sort of dive into that, I suppose.

Speaking of feeling this way, I just discovered Headpsace is free for educators! Some places have said it’s for a year, some imply indefinitely, but I’ll take it! I’ve always meant to meditate, so this will help me start. I at least partially feel like it’s really just a placebo effect, but that’s fine too, right? As long as it works on some level. Realistically I don’t know if I could ever do longer than five minutes without crashing, but something is better than nothing.

Bookish (and not so Bookish) Thoughts

A Monday off, an assessment day with a sub... oh hey, it's Thursday not Wednesday. What can you do?

So, let's address the elephant in the room: American Dirt. I guess it's not really an elephant, that thing is nothing but hush hush. My gut tells me that it's a problem- when people who have lived that life and know the culture better than I are saying it's a problem, I take their concerns seriously. I do want to make the choice on my own, though, so I ordered it and will read it when I'm done with White Teeth. I must say that the barbed wire at the release party was tacky tacky tacky.

I finished my last weeknight five miler of this half marathon training cycle, and while I should be happy, I have ten miles on my plate Saturday before tapering next week. I always get super nervous at topping out at ten, so I may try to squeak in an extra mile or two, just for peace of mind. My body is clearly over running so much, as it has launched a massive contact dermatitis attack against my Fitbit. It also did this with my wedding ring after I had Sawyer and I showed it who's boss (ME, I'm the boss), so I'll just rash it into submission. Or to the doctor's for steroid cream. Anyway. Moving on. 

It's basically a miracle: we're finishing The Mandalorian tonight, after starting a month ago. I never finish shows this fast, but I can't get enough of Baby Yoda (shhhhh that's what I'm calling him forever, okay?).

My son is learning about MLK this week, so they're doing lots of positive messaging. He asked me in the car today is it true that if you "think good thoughts good things will happen and if you think bad thoughts bad things will happen"? UGH. NO. I nicely told him that's not exactly how the world works but thinking positively is always good. Please. After the leak in our ceiling our sprinklers have crapped out- clearly that's not how it works. 

Bookish (and not so Bookish) Thoughts

A teacher on our campus has started running, so I’ve hooked her into running memoirs and it’s been so fun to pick ones out for her. I have a new one on ultra-running which I’m saving to read right before my half marathon, when I’m tapering and needing some motivation.

I’m watching the docu-series Cheer on Netflix while I run and it’s so good. I was never a cheerleader, but I have always had respect for the competitive teams, especially. The backstories on the kids often move me to tears (which is hard when running…) and I can’t wait to see how the team they’re focusing on does at Nationals. I have never been able to watch things while I run, so I’m hoping I’ve found a genre that works.

I have been considering letting my Audible account go into a suspension, just because I have been primarily listening to Podcasts lately. But, on the other hand, I was also thinking I could use my overflow credits to purchase the Harry Potter books, since I’ve started reading them with Sawyer and I could see them being fun for him to listen to in the car after we’ve read them together someday.

For outside reading my students have to read 800 extra pages of literature (fiction or nonfiction) a semester. I always require one of the books to be of a certain genre; this semester it will be either a collection of short stories or essays. The collective groan when I say “collection of essays” was comical. Challenge accepted: I can’t wait to bring in some samples to change their minds. They’re so used to their own essays and ones that are a little duller that they read for AP Lang before my class that they are definitely biased.

Last Friday we had a pipe start leaking in our living room ceiling. It was pretty stressful, but we lucked out, had some great referrals, and everything is back to normal. Now I just get to panic about every little noise I hear now (Drip? Creak? Kid? Imagination?) and wait for the next thing to go wrong (which actually technically has already happened, since we realized our sprinklers aren’t working, although outside things don’t cause me as much stress).

Tomorrow we are finishing up our sixteenth, and final, Sylvia Plath poem and I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER. I respect her writing immensely, think studying poetry is important, and even enjoy a few of her poems, but I am incredibly tired of teaching this. Give me novels any day.

Things have been a little quiet schedule-wise lately, but things are pretty busy this weekend- dinner with a friend, a playdate, and hopefully something outside on Monday (hiking or walking around the beach or something). My mood needs a bit of a boost, so I think some social time out of the house will be super helpful.

Teacher Tuesday- Getting Out of the House

Morning routines- I love them, I hate them. Teachers tend to start work quite early, since we're contractually done with the day mid-afternoon. Add in a kid to drop off? Even earlier. I wake up around 5:35 every day, am out the door by 6:40, and finally arrive, after dropping my son off, at work around 7:30. I hate getting up so early, so I have really worked hard to make my mornings as efficient as possible, and now that my son is five and I've been doing this for eons I think I finally have it down. Here's what has helped me:

Prep the night before- I do everything possible the night before. I usually work out after work, which means I shower in the evening, which helps a ton. I get my coffee ready to brew, lay out my clothes and Sawyer's, have everything that needs to go in the car ready by the table, and get as much of my lunch ready while cleaning up dinner.

I started setting my alarm two minutes earlier- Yup, two measly minutes. I began doing this a month or two ago and it makes me feel less a little rushed when I get myself ready, before Sawyer gets up at 6:08 (yup, his wake up was moved up two minutes earlier too).

Train the child- When Sawyer started kindergarten this year he was "gifted" an alarm clock and a strict new morning routine. When his alarm sounds he turns it off, makes his bed, and brings his clothes downstairs to change. I get him breakfast, he takes over his dishes, knows to put on his own shoes, etc... and then I just help him with his hair and teeth.

No social media until makeup/hair is done- Social media is basically the bane of efficiency. 

Earlier bedtime- I try to be asleep by 10:30 every night, since I am a really light sleeper and wake up many times a night (I lose about 45 minutes of sleep a night, according to my Fitbit). I attempt to be in bed by 10, but by the time my brain turns off it can be awhile. Logically, the better I sleep the easier the mornings are.

Check traffic before leaving- I live in Southern California and have to take two freeways to get to Sawyer's school and mine; there's no telling what's going on between traffic and construction. There are alternate routes, so if I have a plan before leaving I'm happier.

Nothing earth-shaking or incredibly innovative, but I can definitely say that all of these little things have made this school year's morning the easiest since having a kid!