Things I Might Text My Husband:

[I have NO IDEA where he gets his weirdness from]

I think I have a complicated relationship with the pool guy. And by “complicated relationship,” I just mean that I want him to send me thank you texts when he notices I skim the pool or empty the filter basket. I’d also like to be told that by doing this I make his job easier and we are his favorite clients.

If I am ever in charge of planning a funeral there will be a mandatory sing-a-long to “Stairway to Heaven” (I’m pretty sure my mom would really appreciate this, and my brother already said he would help).

Sometimes I pretend to be magnanimous and extend due dates on large essays or projects by a day or two when I really just want to delay grading them.

I used to think moms that wouldn’t get their kids puppies were mean and not fun. Now I get it. I wrong.

There is a definite hierarchy of Diet Coke (starting at the top/best): McDonald's, all other fountain Diet Coke, from a can, from a small bottle, from a two-liter.

I am such a sucker for stuffed animals at gift shops in places like amusement parks, museums, zoos, and airports (exhibit A: Sawyer's room)

I truly believe that when I water the grass at home it turns greener automatically.

I want Lasik and a dab of Botox but am terrified of them both (so I won’t get either).

I often forget that radio is a thing- don’t we all just use Spotify?

I fantasize about soft pretzels and shitty cheese from the place at the mall on an almost daily basis.

I forget to see if Sawyer’s shoes are too small for him and tell him to stop complaining when he says his feet hurt. Then I check. Then I feel bad. Then I immediately order pairs in the next size up. 

I am positive that leg hair grows faster when it is colder. It seems like a perfectly natural biological adaptation.

It is my goal to someday quite the entire song “Hold On” by Wilson Phillips when helping someone through a break-up.