Why I Can't Go To Sleep:

[in bed]

1. I forgot to turn the upstairs heater down, but now it's sort of just cycled on and I don't want to confuse it. I'll wait a few minutes.

2. Did I check on Sawyer when I first came up here? I need to make sure he doesn't look like a human q-tip with his blankets over his head and pulled tight. Can I see him on the monitor?

[looks at monitor]

3. Dammit, I'll just go check on him. If something happens to him and I didn't check on him after considering checking on him I'd never forgive myself. Plus, then I can turn the heater on.

[checks on Sawyer, turns heater down]

4. I need to pee. Again.

[goes to the bathroom, goes back to bed]

5. What is that weird noise the toilet makes as it's done filling up? Has it always done that? Is there some sort of weird dripping happening in the walls? But I think I remember hearing that and being bugged by that like a year ago, so if something was wrong it would be a huge leak in the wall, right? 

6. But what if something is wrong and it's just getting worse? And what if the insurance cancels our policy after we submit a claim? 

7. Wait, now what is that other noise? Is that the pool pump? Why would it be the pool pump? Is the part that is still controlled by the house keypad cycling on because it's in freeze mode, since it's so cold? But the new pump doesn't do that, so will it break? Are we going to ruin our new $1700 pool pump? Do pipes really freeze in Southern California? That seems ridiculous. I had short sleeves on today. 

8. Also, what has been going on with the pool sweep lately? Why doesn't it ever go into the shallow end? I'm going to get a text from the pool guy this week, I know it. 

9. I need to relax and let this stuff go. I can't do anything tonight but sleep.

10. It would be so nice to just go away alone for like a three-day weekend and just relax. Where would I even go? The beach? Mountains? Palm Springs? I could sleep in, I could get a massage, I could read for hours, I could eat room service... but mostly the sleeping in dark, quiet room in a huge bed to just get a handle on this exhaustion. 

11. But how could I even justify the expense? And would people think it was weird? Why do I even care? I work hard at home and at my job, and I make my own money, I deserve a break once in a damn while. Why don't more women just take a stand on go away for weekends alone? 

12. Maybe it's the neighbor's pool. Maybe if I crack the window I'll be able to tell.

[cracks window; it's definitely the neighbor's pool]

13. Why do they run their pool at night? Should we be doing that?

14. Why do I worry so much about the pool? It's outside, that should be at least a little reassuring. Maybe because the pool guy scares me a little bit and because repairs end up being so costly? Maybe because I have no control over it?

15. I worry about a lot of things I can't control: the pool, HVAC, plumbing, the stock market, etc...

16. Rich people are so lucky. They have like... groundskeepers. Or if they don't they can just make a call, hand over a credit card, and it's done. And if they're super inconvenienced they just check into a hotel, or just stay at one of their other homes.

17. I loved those houses in La Canada/Flintridge when were were up there, they were so huge and fancy. I wonder if they do seasonal home tours...

18. I'm so tired. I really need to make an effort to go to sleep. I don't even feel very good, I need to sleep. How am I going to get back on a normal schedule again? Why isn't the melatonin working like it did before I went off it?

19. I should probably go to the bathroom one last time, just in case.

[goes again]

20. We never got the rebate on the pool pump. I need to email them.

21. I need to email Kathy about meeting up next month too, dammit. What is wrong with me? 

22. There was something else I needed to do, but I don't remember. Crap. 

23. Wait, is there trash pick up this week? Is it pushed back because of the holiday? I think so. Right? I need to check in the morning as soon as I get up. 

24. Oh, I remember now- I need to make an appointment with the tax lady for next month. I really hope we get a lot back... I wonder if the calculators are current online now, I could put in some preliminary numbers tomorrow. I'm always so off, though, and we end up getting so much more back, so it's probably not even worth it. 

[this is why it takes me about 30-60 minutes a night to go to sleep, which is horrible... anyone have any great tips? I know all the regular ones, make a list before bed, don't use your phone, have a routine, etc... any others? I've thought about a weighted blanket, but then I saw somewhere that people who are claustrophobic don't like them, which I am, so now I don't know...]