Children's Books I Need to Write

[we need some new books]

I think I should write a line of controversial children's books, tailored to our beliefs, of course, that will explain tough issues to my child.* Some working titles and synopsis for my (totally hypothetical) series:

Why We Don't Visit Animals in Captivity
Willy the Whale and Ellie the Elephant explain how their friends would much rather be frolicking in the wild (escaping poachers) than cooped up in zoo habitats while people nosily watch them all day (who really wants to be on display while pooping? Spending quality time with a special friend? There's no privacy!). They also explain how frustrating it is that the owners of these places don't believe in profit sharing- they don't see a dime, despite hours of work. They leave their readers with hints of forthcoming unionization. Possible sequels: circuses and aquariums.  

Mommy and Daddy Probably Don't Believe in Organized Religion
This sweet tale starts off examining many worldly religions, emphasizing their views regarding God (or a higher power), the afterlife, and sin. Families all over the globe are shown enthusiastically worshiping, devout in their beliefs. The naive little readers are then asked, "What one is right?" Ethical corruption may or may not be included.

George W. Bush, the Scariest Monster that Ever Lived: A Cautionary Tale
Little ones are warned about the Bush family, learning about what happens when the country is led by someone with a lower IQ than them! This educational, non-fictional story will teach kids about tax breaks, oil dependency, weapons of mass destruction, and setting others up to fail.

Girls and Boys are Equal
Feminists will love this story that shows a little girl growing up being told that she can't do what boys can. She proves everyone wrong, making the baseball team, graduating at the top of her class, earning as much as her male colleagues, and even peeing standing up. She refuses to let her dates pay for her dinners and only shaves her legs when she feels like it.

You Can Marry Whomever You Want (Just Not Animals)
Little Bobby and Susie attend their Aunts' wedding and learn all about different romantic relationships that exist. They meet men that are dating, hear about a cousin that used to date men before he married his wife, discover what cross-dressing is, and even learn the basics of polygamy. Their grandpa gives them one rule, though, as little Bobby stares inquisitively at the Golden Retriever serving as the ring bearer. No marrying animals. 

The Colonists Were Illegal Immigrants
In this short rhyming book, kiddos learn that those coming into this country illegally are often doing it for a reason, like escaping poverty. Or because they want a better life for their families. Or because they don't want the CARTEL TO BEHEAD THEM! They're encouraged to think about how this country was originally started and on what grounds the United States was actually established.

*This is all just meant to be humorous, don't get you panties in a wad, step down off the soapbox, blablabla, etc... etc... etc...


  1. Oh goodness, I love THESE ideas. Seriously, these books need to happen. I love the books we have there out right now, but variety is definitely needed. I think it's always important to start when they're young - educate them with different topics so they can make up their own mind later. It's always a good idea to see all perspectives.

  2. These made me laugh so much! I think my parents would have liked to read a few of them to me :)

  3. Great! I would love a "mommy and daddy don't believe in religion" type book. My daughter is old enough to understand that her parents don't believe in God and why, but my 6 year old son is constantly harping on about God can see you, and while I know he will come to his own conclusions as he gets older, in the interim I don't want outside influences throwing their beliefs at him when we don't share those. It is so difficult to try and explain to him why we don't, while still teaching him about some religions.

  4. I love these! I would totally read something like these to my kid :)

  5. Really though, write these.

  6. hahahahahaha I would definitely read these to my non-existent kid.

  7. You should really start writing! Love these. :D You have a year or two before I plan on trying for a baby. ;)

  8. I can't even handle this post - TOO FUNNY! I would absolutely buy all of these books, because I've actually struggled thinking about how I will tell my future children that no, we're never going to sea world, no we don't believe in god but it's ok that other people do and it's ok if you want to... etc.