Children's Books I Need to Write

[we need some new books]

I think I should write a line of controversial children's books, tailored to our beliefs, of course, that will explain tough issues to my child.* Some working titles and synopsis for my (totally hypothetical) series:

Why We Don't Visit Animals in Captivity

Willy the Whale and Ellie the Elephant explain how their friends would much rather be frolicking in the wild (escaping poachers) than cooped up in zoo habitats while people nosily watch them all day (who really wants to be on display while pooping? Spending quality time with a special friend? There's no privacy!). They also explain how frustrating it is that the owners of these places don't believe in profit sharing- they don't see a dime, despite hours of work. They leave their readers with hints of forthcoming unionization. Possible sequels: circuses and aquariums.  

Mommy and Daddy Probably Don't Believe in Organized Religion

This sweet tale starts off examining many worldly religions, emphasizing their views regarding God (or a higher power), the afterlife, and sin. Families all over the globe are shown enthusiastically worshiping, devout in their beliefs. The naive little readers are then asked, "What one is right?" Ethical corruption may or may not be included.

George W. Bush, the Scariest Monster that Ever Lived: A Cautionary Tale

Little ones are warned about the Bush family, learning about what happens when the country is led by someone with a lower IQ than them! This educational, non-fictional story will teach kids about tax breaks, oil dependency, weapons of mass destruction, and setting others up to fail.

Girls and Boys are Equal

Feminists will love this story that shows a little girl growing up being told that she can't do what boys can. She proves everyone wrong, making the baseball team, graduating at the top of her class, earning as much as her male colleagues, and even peeing standing up. She refuses to let her dates pay for her dinners and only shaves her legs when she feels like it.

You Can Marry Whomever You Want (Just Not Animals)

Little Bobby and Susie attend their Aunts' wedding and learn all about different romantic relationships that exist. They meet men that are dating, hear about a cousin that used to date men before he married his wife, discover what cross-dressing is, and even learn the basics of polygamy. Their grandpa gives them one rule, though, as little Bobby stares inquisitively at the Golden Retriever serving as the ring bearer. No marrying animals. 

The Colonists Were Illegal Immigrants

In this short rhyming book, kiddos learn that those coming into this country illegally are often doing it for a reason, like escaping poverty. Or because they want a better life for their families. Or because they don't want the CARTEL TO BEHEAD THEM! They're encouraged to think about how this country was originally started and on what grounds the United States was actually established.

*This is all just meant to be humorous, don't get you panties in a wad, step down off the soapbox, blablabla, etc... etc... etc...