I'm a bit of a crier- it's who I am. Not a crier at work or with friends, or even people outside my home, but more of a solitary crier, mostly. It's not that I'm ashamed of crying, in fact I find it incredibly cathartic and, clearly, easily admit to it. I just think that when you cry in front of someone else you're at least subconsciously asking them for something; support, an apology, understanding, whatever, and I have some serious issues about accepting things from others, material or otherwise. So, I cry in the car, on the treadmill, in the bathroom, wherever need be. I know of a person or two in particular who have mocked the act of crying and I think it's pretty disdainful. Not to pat myself on the back, but I'm a pretty tough, efficient, self-reliant woman, and I can cry with the best of 'em.
Quite the intro, eh? Is being defensive a super power yet? Asking for a friend...
Today was a long, busy day, and I should be in bed, but I felt compelled to share a few things from today before catching some shut eye, just in case you too need a good cry. Three things, plus a bonus option, coming right up:
Watch: Father of the Bride Part 3 (ish), which came out today on Youtube, was so incredibly corny, eye-roll inducing, and predictable, yet I bawled through most of the twenty-five minutes (on the treadmill, so hooray for multi-tasking). First of all, I loved the first movie and I can say it's one of the few movies I can re-watch, so there was definitely a nostalgic factor. Second of all, I want someone to love me as much as the Banks family members love each other. They all just absolutely adore each other and are so cognizant of each others' feelings. I mean, can they adopt me? Please?
Listen: Today's special episode of The Armchair Expert that detailed Dax's lapse of sobriety made me cry at many points. First of all, I often find him incredibly annoying (I'm there for Monica, okay?), but his honesty, vulnerability, and clear love for the people in his life just killed me. He took such a risk putting his story out publicly and I was worried at first that it was just a sort of ploy for publicity, but after listening I didn't feel that way at all. I understand his need for control and also his desire to wake up feeling good in the morning. I also really felt for Kristen Bell, who I can take or leave, and, of course Monica. I think people often focus so much on the victims of addiction and mental health, and rightfully so, that they forget about the caregivers. It's really, really hard to be on the receiving end of someone who is struggling's anger, depression, dependency, etc...
Read: I am currently reading David Chang's memoir Eat a Peach, and he talks quite a bit about how he uses extreme productivity as a way to manage his mental health and, while getting modestly teary-eyed, I just felt so heard. People make comments about how much I do and I often think it comes from a place of at least a little cattiness. They don't get it: I need to do things or else I won't do anything. And I don't mean "lay on the couch all day watching TV" kind of nothingness, I mean "worry myself to the point where I can't eat, take care of my responsibilities, end up making endless lists, running obsessive calculations, running through scenarios B-Q, etc..." kind of not do nothing (so basically, while this does sound like doing "something," it is nothing productive or beneficial). It's taken me a looooooong time to tame the beast, and being busy is the way I do it. Yes, it's been intensely hard since March, for various reasons, but I keep productive and structured. David Chang gets me.
Bonus: Get super convinced for a few moments that something is realllllllllly wrong with your upstairs plumbing, and then figure out that everything is basically okay. While maybe not a catalysis of a good cry, a quick tearing up may be in order (and perhaps a glass of wine).
Oof, productivity as a way to manage mental health... I can relate, so much. I've heard so many good things about his book. I need to pick it up soon.
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