No, I Will Not Get Lonely

Let me paraphrase a conversation I had with a well-meaning colleague (that I don't know super well) that I had yesterday while talking about our plans for the summer:

Me: ...yeah, I'm going to take Sawyer to take care two or so mornings a week, so I can get things done and go to yoga or whatever.

Colleague: Oh... my kids never went to daycare [explained why]...

Me: My husband is gone for like eleven hours a day, so sometimes I'll need a break. Plus it's good for him to keep up with her routines and ways of doing things. And it's not like it's more money, since we have to pay to hold our spot. 

Colleague [sounding a little... hopeful?]: But maybe you'll get lonely and pick him up early...?

Me: [laughter/scoffing] I will not get lonely. 

I keep replaying this in my head and chuckling.  Lonely? No. What I will get, during approximately eight hours of alone time a week, is a cleaner house, a slightly more toned/tanned/rested body, a slightly-restored social life, books read, and a greater sense of inner peace. Selfish, right?

Not so much. Even two mornings or afternoons a week of time where I'm "off duty" will be guaranteed to make me a better mom, because I'll be happier and less frustrated about why I don't get more time to myself. This reminds me of an article on the Huffington Post site (that I can't find) some time ago about comparing your children to cake; cake is awesome, but you don't always want to eat cake all the time.  What killed me, of course, were the comments. "I love my cake..." or, "if you don't want to eat cake everyday, you shouldn't have ordered it in the first place." If you are a mom and you have never wanted just a tiny bit of time to yourself you are a mother-effing saint. Or maybe someone that doesn't have any outside interests or hobbies that require kid-free time. 

I didn't leave the work room thinking my colleague was judging me at all- she has a few kids and just genuinely seems excited to spend as much time as posible with them. That's awesome and it works well for her family. But I feel like there are people, some in my life, that will be quick to judge my decision. I work all year and leave my kid for eight hours a day with another person, so shouldn't I want to spend the entire summer with him? Shouldn't my life revolve around him for at least nine weeks of the year? Can't I just do my stuff "when he naps" (those are the non-parents asking that one)? 

Listen. I'm not a "mom's mom" and I own it, accept it, and embrace it. Motherhood comes naturally to me, but motherhood on my own terms. I'm not making homemade chicken strips with bread crumbs from scratch, planning hands-on activities for every day of the week, or teaching my kid baby-sign language (the only sign language I know is probably not appropriate...). We have fun in our own way, and I'm sure he will survive, even if I don't have a plethora of Montessori-activities planned for him this summer (I let him play with a bottle brush, though, and I put dried pasta in an old Puffs container, once... does that count?). I will always have moments where I miss having the option to be spontaneous, slightly irresponsible, or ridiculously time-efficient. I wouldn't change what I have right now for a million bucks, but I'm not the type of mom that is going to refuse to admit that she had a life pre-baby. 

So, no, I will not "get lonely." I will continue to love my child more than ever and enjoy the extra time together, but I will take him to daycare for a few hours a week and be totally at peace with it (despite the slightly defensive undertones to this post). I will be alone, but I will not be lonely. 

Sawyer at One Year

Today I have a one-year-old (and a party to host)! And this is also the last of the nostalgic baby posts.

I remember the time leading up to Sawyer's birth a lot more clearly than the day after it, which is probably normal. I thought the whole thing was a lot easier than I imagined, including the recovery- either I was lucky or I just had really low expectations. Nonetheless, I was left with a tiny, squirming, helpless baby. 

Fast-forward a year. He's even more squirmy, but not exactly tiny and not quite as helpless. Some of our more recent milestones and things of note:

Teeth

This kid knows how to grow chompers- he has eight! Two on the bottom, four in the front on top, and he's been cutting his two top molars this week. These ones are obviously bothering him the most, since he's constantly chewing on his hands (and Sophie).

Mobility

Sawyer does things when Sawyer sees fit. He's accomplished the mobility milestones on the later end of normal so far and I think we're going to hold steady with that pattern for walking. He has started pulling himself up, though, but only when it's worth his while. Why bother? Crawling is so much faster (and he refuses to get up off his elbows- if he did that he wouldn't be able to carry around his balls and Little People).

Food

He pretty much eats whatever now, which is whole new territory. He adores cheese, loves chicken nuggets, and is incredibly enthusiastic about oranges. He's warming up to refried beans, tolerates some vegetables, and has become a pro at the sippy cup. He detests scrambled eggs and has learned to toss stuff to the dogs.

Sleep

Oh, sleep. He's in his own bedroom, and has been for about two months, so that's a huge victory. He is in the Pack-n-Play, rather than his crib, but I'm going to file that under "Things I Don't Give a Shit About." We tried the crib and he hated it, so I'm not pushing it again for while. Right now he sleeps from about 8:15 to anywhere from 4-5. Since I have to get up at 5 to get ready to work I usually just bring him back to bed to sleep with us for a bit so I can get a few more minutes of rest. If he wakes up before 4 I attempt (sometimes successfully) to get him back to sleep. He also seems to be weaning himself off his (shameful) bedtime feeding, so that's encouraging as well.

Hobbies and Interests

Sawyer enjoys singing, dancing, tormenting the dogs, playing with balls, swinging at the park, cruising the neighborhood in his wagon, playing the guitar with his dad, opening drawers he's not supposed to, and pushing around his Little People Bus. Obviously quite the Renaissance Man.

Communication

He's starting to mimic us, which is hilarious... and frightening. He says "mama, "dada" and has made sounds that resemble "dog" and "ball." He chatters constantly and sings when there is music (or when there isn't music and he feels like dancing). He points at things now and I can tell he's starting to get frustrated that he can't actually talk. He'll pause and you can almost see his little brain desperately trying to convey what he wants. My mom said that I was pretty verbal by the time I was about a year and a half, so we'll see what the next few months bring. 

He's pretty cool. 

The Last Year By Threes

Instead of doing long drawn out posts on some of these, I thought I'd just give a few snapshots:

Three People I Get Advice From

- My mom

- My good friend at work

- The internet

Three Ways I've Changed for the Good

- I've become more patient (although I'm sure some would argue)

- I've learned to prioritize better

- I have more fun

Three Ways I've Changed for the... not so Good

- I consume way too much caffeeine

- I am perpetually behind at laundry and housework

- I leave work at the end of the contract day; I take stuff home but it makes it hard for kids to make tests and things up

Three Places We Buy Kids Things From

- Target

- Amazon

- Babies-R-Us

Three Things I'll Miss About the Baby Years

- Fat chubby rolls 

- Footie pajamas

- Baby cuddles

Three Things I Won't Miss About the Baby Years

- Sleep issues (am I jinxing myself?)

- Baby food (purees are so boring and gross)

- Physical therapy and frequent pediatrician check ups

Three Things I Look Forward to in the Next Year

- Seeing him walk

- Hearing him talk (what the heck is he thinking?)

- Watching him eat fun things like ice cream and cupcakes

Three Things I'm Proud Of

- Not rushing him to the doctor for every little thing 

- Sticking out breastfeeding

- Keeping my shit together when things got rough (...at least in front of people)

Three Things I Wished I Had Done Differently

- Been less worrisome about him rolling over as a newborn and not let him sleep in his swing

- Not have worried obsessively about my supply- formula is fine

- Used the Baby Ergo more

Three Things He Does That Crack Me Up

- He now mimics me when I shake my hand and say "no barking in the house" at the dogs; now it's our "thing" and we do it whenever they bark

- Sings and dances (like when he did in the middle of Party City today and made everyone else laugh)

- When he puts his head down and pretends to sleep when we say "night night" 

My First Year of Motherhood: The Best Parts

I'm back again to recap on the first year of being a parent in light of Sawyer's birthday here in a little over a week. The other day it was the not-as-fun stuff; today we're going to look at the opposite. 

I knew that motherhood wasn't going to be easy and that there would be some really hard parts; what I wasn't as prepared for was how happy it makes me. Right now, for example, Sawyer is gleefully shredding  Kleenex all over the floor and I'm finding the whole thing fairly amusing. He's learned to throw things behind his head and turn around to retrieve whatever it is (right now, tissue)- object permanence and the coordination to throw something. Kind of a big deal. It would be better if he could read, but I'll settle for this... for now. 

Here's what a snippet of what I've loved the last year:

He's Really Cute and Cuddly

I know this is very trivial, but having a baby is sort of like having a high-maintenance puppy around all the time. I'm well aware that I am biologically wired to think my child is adorable- it's nature's way of ensuring that I'll provide the proper care. And it works. Even when he's crying he's still cute. The cuddles are pretty sweet too, except when they're at 2 am. That is my absolute least favorite time to cuddle with anyone. Nonetheless, there's something that kicks in that makes these two things very enjoyable. Picking up a smiling baby ready to throw his fat little arms around me up from daycare everyday is sometimes the highlight of my afternoon.

The Little Things are Fun Again

I'll be the first to admit that I'm jaded and cynical; not as bad as some, but far worse than others. Having a little guy around has taken some of the edge off, though, and I find myself getting excited over small things like taking him to see ducks or the first time he tried solid food. Going to get his first pair of Chucks was even more fun that buying myself shoes and we could play peekaboo or with his Little People for hours (well, maybe like a solid twenty minutes). The holidays were infinitely better this year and hearing him laugh is enough to cheer me up instantly.

The Little Science Experiment

A kid really is a science experiment; he's this little research subject that can be manipulated and altered by changing a variety of variables. In theory, anyway, and after accounting for genetics. I enjoy reading about the cognitive, motor, and behavioral changes that he goes through and looking back at how much he changes month to month. 

My Little Buddy

Like all moms, I do love the occasional break. But the older Sawyer gets, the more fun we have together. Minus grocery shopping on Sunday mornings, work, and the occasional appointment, he's pretty much always within the vicinity during waking hours (and sometimes during sleeping). He has a pretty easy demeanor and I already see a sense of humor starting to creep through the baby personality (there's some stubbornness in there too). I can't wait until the days when I (hopefully) have someone as enthusiastic about ice cream runs as I am. I'm also pretty psyched to eventually take him to see the space shuttle, the tide pools, and his first big sporting event.

Someone to Love

I loathed all the corny Hallmark-esque things that people tell you pre-baby about how much mothers love their babies and whatnot. But it really is true. The love you feel for your kid is both exhilarating and downright frightening. I'm not saying it's better, but it's definitely different than the feelings I've had towards family members, my husband, friends, pets, or even Diet Coke. It's the kind of love that sustains you when you feel tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, and alone. It's the kind of love that makes you put on a happy face during the worst of times and the kind of love that helps you reset your priorities.

It's a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. Seriously. If there weren't any moms the population would die out. 

My First Year of Motherhood: The Worst Parts

In light of Sawyer's birthday in a week and a half I'll be writing a few posts on this whole mothering thing in the midst of the norm. As always, I'll be super honest, probably to the point that I may at times scare people away from having children and/or convince them that I'm crazy.

There are a lot of really awesome things about having a baby. A ton. The joy I get on a daily basis from my child is so much more than I ever thought possible. But that's not what we're going to talk about today. Another day, yes. There's already a draft, actually, but today I'm going to write about what's been really hard. None of this is unique, but since I'm being reflective, I'm going to put it out there.

The Exhaustion

The first week or so after having Sawyer I was seriously sleep-deprived, but the elation of having this super cute little guy, and the worries over things like breastfeeding and SIDS and why I was still FAT, trumped everything. And then I got tired. And I stayed tired for a few months afterwards. 

Eventually, I decided to ignore the pediatrician's advice about waking him up for feedings and started getting 6 or so straight hours of sleep- my new "the amount I need to function properly." Granted he was sleeping in his swing, but that's neither here nor there right now. 

We changed bedtime routines and locations a few times over the next few months, and things stayed relatively copacetic in the sleep department. Then at seven months he got a killer cold and moved right into teething. So basically everything went to shit and I was lucky to get stretches of 3-4 hours a night and had to constantly decide if it was worth it to allow "bad habits" and let him come to our bed.

These days it's hit or miss. We've had a few good nights, so right now I'm going to remain superstitious and not elaborate on the happy details.

Being tired day in and day out with no reprieve takes a toll on you. You get forgetful. You get cranky. You get a little weepy. You get really dependent on coffee. Luckily, I guess, Sawyer he likes to screw with me and when he notices, after a week or so of torture, that I'm a hop skip and a jump away from losing it he sleeps through the night. And lucky for me, I've acclimated, and as long as I get 6 or so hours, even if broken, I can still function fairly pleasantly.

Feeling Like a Failure (Part 1)

Since having a baby I've felt like I've half-assed or have been failing at every area of my life: parts of work, in my marriage, taking care of my house, exercise, friendships, and my intellectual well-being. I know that's all part of the whole parenting thing, but it's still tough sometimes. I am not a failure; I'm not a type-A annoying perfectionist, but I do have standards for how I like to live my life. I have to work really hard to make sure that I'm still social and that I'm still getting out into the world and doing things, even if it's just driving to the beach or a new park. 

And there's give and take; one day I'll feel like I'm doing a great job at work, but I'll realize that the only thing I've talked to my husband about that day is our kid. Or I'll be excited because I've seen friends three weekends in a row but notice there's a fine layer of dust covering every surface in my house. 

Most of this is completely and totally my fault, and I've talked about it before. I put a great deal of pressure on myself to "be productive" pretty much every waking hour of the day. Even during my "down time," which is usually at night after Sawyer is in bed I'm multitasking. I just can't stop.

Feeling Like a Failure Part 2

I know I'm a pretty good mom, but I have hang ups in just a few areas, some that have gone (his torticollis) and some that are still alive and kicking (his bedtime issues... he falls asleep with a bottle- I feel like this is a huge parenting sin). He's super happy, very vocal, and is meeting the developmental milestones, but I get hung up on little things that I think are going to screw him in the long run (is he going to be forty and still need someone to hold him and feed him to sleep? He will never find a wife!). See also: is he eating too many carbs? At what age will he start repeating my swear words? Should he understand the word "no" better than he does?

Being Needed... All the Time

Being needed is actually a plus, since there is something that makes me all warm and fuzzy when I can quickly shush my crying baby or when he snuggles into my neck. But sometimes it's just too much. Sometimes I have a crappy day at work and I want to come home and decompress in quiet or go to a yoga class to take the edge off. But because I have this little creature that I have to take care of all the time I have to put on a smile and take care of his needs first.

The other day I told my husband that every once in awhile I just don't feel like feeding Sawyer dinner. Not that I want him to go hungry, and he wouldn't since he nurses still, I just don't feel like going through the lengthy process that ends up in a huge mess. But not feeding your kid isn't something you can skip, nor is bath time, playing, bedtime, teeth brushing, and whatever else comes up. You can't just quit your kid. Well, I guess you can, but that's  when CPS gets involved. 

So, that's what's been the hardest for me this year. The good things outweigh the bad and I wouldn't change being a mom for a second, but it's not all rainbows and butterflies.