Stop Whining About Great Books

I love reading negative customer reviews of books I think are great- they're obviously the ones with the poor literary taste, and are therefore deserving of my ridicule. There are a few common "complaints" I particularly enjoy:

"There's no plot."
Translation: I'm used to Transformers movies and need a beginning, middle, and end.
Relax: Ever head of the term "character study?" Sometimes books don't have to be about anything, they can rely on talented writing and well-developed characters to convey the author's message. Come on, dig deeper, there's "more than meets the eye."

"It's too long."
Translation: I have a short attention span/I don't actually like to read/It's too heavy.
Shut the hell up: When reading a truly good book you should never want it to end (unless, of course, you have a potentially equally amazing book on deck). Stop being lazy, put in the time, and lift some weights to help with the muscle strain.

"The writer is too pretentious. He's always using big words."
Translation: I don't understand what this book is about and I have a limited vocabulary.
It's not him... it's you: Reread the confusing parts, search online for helpful reviews or message boards, or buy a damn dictionary. Even better, try reading a few pages before purchasing to see if you're up to it.

"It's too graphic. There's so much sex/swearing/violence!"
Translation: I'm a sheltered prude.
Welcome to reality: Please, life is much more interesting and fun when there's sex, swearing, and violence! You won't go to hell for reading a few four letter words or the part in House of the Spirits with the donkey (think Tijuana if you haven't read it).

"It was depressing."
Translation: I like things to be resolved as neatly as a Full House episode.
Life doesn't always have a laugh track: Sometimes, things suck. Men leave their wives for men, homes burn down, a daughter is really a son, and arms get chopped off. Don't fault the author for giving it to her readers straight.

Read a bad book? A truly horrible, terrible, eye-clawing out book? Go ahead and whine.

Bring. It. On.

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