My Version of Motherhood: One Big Contradiction

How my Mother's Day began: a hard knee to the nose that resulted in momentary consideration that I'd have to undergo plastic surgery in the near future. Actually, if we're being technical, it actually started six hours earlier, around midnight, when someone had a bad dream and then had to go potty and then that same someone's poor aim caused an outfit change around one. And then said someone wouldn't stop crying and then ended up in mama's bed (since another someone was downstairs with a bum tooth). We then got up, went grocery shopping at 8 am and then Sawyer and I headed to Irvine Regional Park for a few hours (that part was nice). I then came home and cleaned. It's been glamorous, I tell ya. 

We all have our version of motherhood, and it changes constantly- monthly, weekly, daily, hourly. But one thing I have noticed is the abundance of contradictions.

I can't wait for you to grow up so I can sleep/we can do x, y or x, or so your care while I'm at work won't be expensive... but, I actually want you to stay little so you won't give me shit when I kiss you in the line at the grocery store and so that you'll still fit in my lap when I read to you at night.

I wish you'd just sit down and play with your toys for like an hour so I can collect myself... but, I actually kinda sorta love how much you need me.

I wish you would just do what I say the first time I ask... but, I actually am glad you're so headstrong and opinionated. 

I wish you'd just be quiet for a few minutes while I drive home from work/daycare so I can decompress just a tad... but, I actually am so very, very happy you're talking more and that you're so smart and observant. 

I wish I could just tuck you in at night and hightail it out of your room... but, I actually love that you ask me to lay in your bed next to you and then hug me with every little muscle in your body when I do (because you know I will). 

I wish I could just stay at home every day with you... but, I actually am really satisfied by my career and like that you see me in different roles. 

So far, I haven't found myself to be one of those mom that gets highly emotional as their child grows up. I love each stage more and the fact that he goes one-hundred miles an hour doesn't much give me an abundance of time to feel nostalgic. Sure, when I pack up the clothes he's just grown out of I get a little sad. Or when I look at him and suddenly think "Dear God, one day you will be a teenager and will on occasion hate me" I feel a tightness in my chest. 

I sometimes ask mom's with older sons when they felt their boys start drifting away from the happy, cuteness we all love and I get everything from "eight" to "never." So, either way, considering Sawyer is three, I still have myself awhile.

Also, in case anyone is worried, my nose is fine. 

Happy Mother's Day.

1 comment:

  1. Happy Mother's Day!

    So many contradictions is right! The one I feel most often is wanting a break, but then missing my son when I actually do get a break.