Bookish (and not so Bookish) Thoughts

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ETA: I'm using this for The Broke and the Bookish's Top Ten Tuesday on 7/12; it's a "ten fact about yourself" sort of deal, so I thought my weekly post (with Linky! Play along on Wednesdays!) would work. Thanks for stopping by! 

1. Our Fourth of July weekend was pretty great. There were walks, a lot of pool time, a minor league baseball game with fireworks, and so much food. 

2. I finished two books today- Imagine Me Gone by Adam Haslett and and Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's We Should All Be Feminists. Both hit home in different ways and I'll hopefully get some posts up on both soon before all the thoughts and opinions and emotions I have swirling around in my brain are gone. 

3. If I am being completely honest, I have to admit that I am surprised I have not given into Snapchat yet, since I was staunchly against MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, blogging, and Instagram, yet found my way to all of those. 

4. I love my tailor. She's this older Polish lady that is incredibly reassuring and fixes everything I take to her brilliantly. I wonder if she'll be my therapist too. Strangely I feel the same way about the plumber and the pool guy. 

5. So I wrote about a pedicure-related incident awhile ago, and today it was surprisingly made right (basically, about two months ago I went in and the pedicurist accidentally took a chunk out of my toe that ended up taking about six weeks to heal). I mentioned it in passing when I went back today (it was a different technician), just so she wouldn't do anything to that toe. She asked for details and I brushed it off, glossing over what had happened but that it had finally gotten back to normal and that I know accidents happen. When I went to pay they didn't let me! I was so surprised (and tipped accordingly). I guess so often I'm used to having low expectations when it comes to these sorts of things that it was just a nice little treat (Orchard Nails in Corona, for any local people). 

6. While I was in Tahoe a few weeks ago I was sitting on the patio waiting for my colleagues to join me for dinner reading The Girls when a fairly graphic sex scene came up. Here I was, surrounded by teachers drinking the free wine and beer at cocktail hour discussing test scores, curriculum, and innovative educational practices and I'm reading about a fourteen-year old being taken advantage by a cult leader. Then, today, I was reading Imagine Me Gone at the nail salon and the scene where Alex has his first very passionate, intimate sexual encounter with his soon-to-be-boyfriend came up. The juxtaposition between what we are reading and our own personal setting is so interesting, when looked at, and isn't just isolated to sex.  Nonetheless, reading sexual material in nonsexual environment is both sort of awkward and fun, in a rebellious sort of way.

7. My students are receiving their AP and IB test scores this week and the "thank you for helping me pass" emails are always nice to read. My AP Language scores for my sophomores were a tad higher than I thought they'd be and the IB ones are still trickling in, but so far so good. I hate that I feel  at all validated by test scores, and I am lucky to work at a site that neither penalizes or congratulates teachers based on them, but it's nice to see the kids be successful and to know that I'm at least headed in the right direction with my teaching. Plus, the kids get college credit and when universities are so impacted and tuition so costly, every little bit helps.

8. On the audiobook front, I just finished The Royal We by Heather Cocks and Jessica Morgan (co-authoring seems hard for fiction, by the way) and began AWOL on the Appalachian Trail by David Miller today. The Royal We was light, fluffy, and entertaining- perfect for driving. 

9. Since coming back from Tahoe I really want to plan a longer, bigger trip for the three of us, or even just Sawyer and I if Scott doesn't want to go, or can't (he hates flying very much and his job can be demanding). I've been fantasizing about a long weekend in Portland or even somewhere like Denver. I just want to go. Plus I think Sawyer could handle two or so hours in a plane at this point, provided there were plenty of snacks and Zootopia on the iPad. This summer is probably too close to ending to make it possible now, but maybe later in the fall.

10. Hey, how about that Gilmore Girls subscription box? I must admit to setting an alert on my phone to sign up for the September one. $30 is a bit much to commit to the whole year, but I think one would be fun. 

Bookish (and not so Bookish) Thoughts

1. Finally, Live Talks put up the Marisha Pessl tickets for September 19th. I was also pleasantly surprised to see that Jaime Lee Curtis is going to be interviewing her; a bit random, perhaps, but I think she's a very articulate, enthusiastic woman so I'm sure it will be a good time.

2. Do you remember the Arthur children's book series? During lunch today I actively tried to engage my husband in a texting debate about how Arthur's supposedly an anteater but doesn't look like one, but he kept shutting me down.

[exhibit A]

3. Next time I'm invited to a baby shower (and actually go) I'm so getting the mom-to-be this book:

[Placenta burgers, anyone? Ha!]

4. I've had "All Night Long" by Lionel Ritchie stuck in my head all week. It got to the point where it was so bad Tuesday I downloaded it, thinking listening to the actual version might do the trick. Nope. In fact now my brain expects to hear Lionel as we pull away from the house in the morning. At least it's not "Hello."

5. I feel like I need to go to REI. I've built it up so much inside my head I'm expecting this massive mecca of all things sports and outdoors. I'm hoping I'll walk in and simply absorb all this wonderful knowledge, not limited to learning how to change the tires on my bike, how to filter water MacGyver style, and how to get my CamelPak dried out faster. 

6. This weekend is my favorite half marathon at my least favorite place- the Disneyland Half. I've run it twice and by far it's the most organized, entertaining of the ten or twelve different courses I've run (and the most expensive). It almost makes me miss running. Good luck to the few friends I have running it! 

7. I'm not much a gamer, but several years ago I got hooked on the Katamari Damacy game- basically you run around with a big ball rolling shit up. I saw someone wearing one of their shirts on something my husband was watching last night and now I'm completely compelled to start playing again.

8. We have tentative plans this weekend to drive out (finally) to The Last Bookstore in LA, which will ultimately mean more book-buying is in my future. I'm down to 47 unread, now, so I think I deserve a reward.

[source]

9. I read the Slate (I know, I know) article entitled "If You Send Your Kid to Private School, You Are a Bad Person" today and thought it was fascinating. Basically, the article says that by enrolling your child in a private school you are in fact propagating the demise of the public school system. People with resources and education should be involved in public schools, pushing them to improve. And, as the article points out, the kids will be fine, given that people who can afford to send their kids to private have the resources to give them a meaningful experiences and individualized attention at home. Personally, I don't think you're a bad person if you send your kid to a private- I can see the appeal for those that are religious, have a child with special circumstances, or are afraid of poor people. We won't send our future offspring to private simply because we will already be paying for their schooling- through our tax dollars.

10. Speaking of articles, I read about the lady who had sex every day for a year and immediately sent it to my husband. Not because I want to necessarily institute the same project in our household, but because she said that getting goosebumps makes her leg hair grow faster, which is something I've been saying for years and no one believes me about. I felt so vindicated. But, then again, I also believe that shaving your legs everyday is just as important as flossing. 

Bookish (and not so Bookish) Thoughts

Yes, I understand the alternate title for these posts could be "Let's see how effing weird Christine is today."

[source]

1. My husband and I watch Archer, the cartoon about the spy, and I continue to be deeply disappointed that the guy who does Archer's voice is not attractive at all. For an animated character, Archer is pretty damn hot- I mean have you seen the episode where he's stuck on the pirate island in his wife beater? Anyway, I just think the guy in real life should look a little more like him. It's misleading.

2. I filled out my March Madness bracket today and paid my $5. I'm pretty confident, you guys. I'm probably going to win. I'm excited about my impending wealth.

[And by "pay back" I mean aprx 1/300 of what I still owe]

3. Someday, when I have an over-abundance of time, I'd like to write a really long essay on the use of checkers in literature. The last two books I've read with my students have included the game and I'm sure there are a million more that I haven't noticed. I suppose I could include chess too. The symbolism is fascinating, and even more so when you take into account that it can actually sometimes be a euphemism for sex (please, please, please next time you're in a bar walk up to some hot young thing and ask him he's like to play with you. And then wink all seductively).

4. I'm one month sober into my book buying stoppage. It feels horrible. Sometimes I get shaky and find myself curled up in the fetal position crying. I can feel an ugly, expensive binge coming on. 

[end of the year fun]

5. Speaking of not buying books, here are the last five I added to my wishlist (minus the weird ones I don't want anyone to know about): Hip Hop Poetry and the Classics by Alan Sitomer, Transatlantic by Colum McCann, A Map of Tulsa by Benjamin Lytal, Eleanor and Park by Rainbow Rowell (it's YA- I'm not so sure about it), and Literary Rogues: A Scandalous History of Wayward Authors by Andrew Shaffer. 

6. The other night I was walking the dogs at dusk and I caught the faint smell of camping. I don't know how else to describe it- it's this combination of campfire, moisture, pine trees, and dirt. Maybe it was one of the huge houses on the other side of the development- perhaps they've paid to have a machine pump campfire smells into their backyard. Or maybe someone has one hell of a Glade. Or maybe this is my brain's way of telling me I need to go to Yosemite.

7. In the evening my asthma has been on the verge of out of control lately, and I've figured out the absolute best relief ever (besides steroids) is a few strong sneezes. I can't even describe how amazing it feels. Unfortunately, if I don't try to induce said sneezes fast enough my bronchial tubes swell up stoo much and sneezing becomes physically impossible (I have a fast-acting inhaler, don't worry). I know this sounds alarming, and I'm not trying to downplay asthma, but I've got it under control. I'm still alive, right? 

8. I've decided I really want a legitimate desk to write at. Currently, I've set up in the dining room at the end of our table. It's worked for the past year and a half because I like being down stairs and it's much cooler in the summer. And then I saw these on Pinterest and decided I needed to convert my work out room closet into a mini-office:

[source... one of many...]

9. I love that I have friends that fit into the different boxes of my life. Friends that will do random things like jump out of planes with me. Friends that will walk for miles with me. Friends to complain about work with. Friends who like to talk about books. Friends that love cupcakes. Friends that understand things that others never will. It's nice, especially now that I've lived in this area for seven years. Those first few years were particularly crappy it takes time to make grown up friends! And now I have and I'm thankful.

10. My yearbook students quickly went from "hardworking kids on a deadline" to "still endearing but really loud and annoying" kids in my face. So I've created a documentary project for them- we'll watch one documentary a week and then in groups they'll review the film and bring in outside sources on private blogs they'll start. I think I'm more excited that they are, but I'm sure they'll learn to love it.

Bookish (and Not So Bookish) Thoughts

1. Important dating advice that I hope you all follow:

[Via Etsy; Mayan Rocks Shop]

I'm actually quite serious. If I was dating again (Lord, help us all) I would definitely not have sex with someone who wasn't a reader or a Democrat. Unless he was rich. And had great abs. Exceptions can be made.

2. One of my personal New Years Resolutions is to be friends with the  neighbors. They're our age, into music and video games, and seemingly nice in passing. We've lived next door for 14 months; we've heard each other fight with our spouses, seen each other sunbathing in next to nothing during summer months, and each have unnatural obsessions with our animals (they have cats). We have got to move past "Hi, how are you?" on to more important things like "What's your favorite color?" and "Do you like pizza?" Operation Befriend Neighbors is on. Ummmm.... unless they don't want it to be. Maybe I should write them a note and ask them to check the "yes" or "no" box for being friends.

[Picture two nice girls instead. Source]

3. Speaking of "next to nothing" a friend is trying to convince me to do a 1.5-ish mile undie run in LA next month. It supports some sort of cancer research and is just for fun- I'm quite tempted. I'm not going to go full-blown undie, but I'll skimp it up a bit to blend in. If anything, it will motivate me to work a little harder. Maybe. 

[source]

4. I've decided to bribe myself to read James Joyce's Ulysses with a trip to Ireland. I'm not sure when the reading or the traveling will happen, but it seems fair. I don't have a strong, crazy intense desire to go to Ireland, but it just feels like an appropriate pairing- read an extremely difficult book and then go to the place it was set. Plus, I like castles, green fields, and sheep.

5. I almost didn't go to yoga yesterday because I left my watch at home. Our studio moved the clock so that we can't see it as we practice- absolutely effing unacceptable. Obviously, I have some massive control issues if I can't handle working out for 100 minutes without checking the time, but that's besides the point. Anyway, I put on my big girl knock-off Lululemon pants and went. And survived. Mother Earth is so proud of me. Namaste.

6. I watched a movie called Ruby Sparks the other night with my husband and really enjoyed it. Basically, the main character, a novelist, is suffering from writers block and ends up creating a character that comes to life. Ruby, the character, appears at his house as his girlfriend and he realizes he can manipulate her actions through his writing- he then faces the moral conundrum of whether or not he should control her or let her find her own way. I'm not a movie watcher, but I liked it's quirk and brevity (only a hour and a half- what, what!). 

7. I haven't put all my new Christmas books away yet- they're sitting on a small table so that I can admire them every time I walk by. It's sad. And nice.

8. If you have nothing to look forward to, then life is really not worth the effort. Dramatic, yes, but timely.

9. The other day it was beautiful out- the skies were blue, the sun was warm, and all that jazz. I needed to finish a book and a half before the end of 2012, so I decided to head out to the backyard to read. And this is what the goddam lawn chair did to me:

[If you follow me on Instagram you were already grossed out by my bruises and sad legs. Sorry.]

Perhaps I should have checked things out a bit, given the fact that I haven't sat out there in a few months and the gardener has moved them around. All I wanted to do was read.

10. I really, really want to see Zero Dark Thirty. I'm not sure exactly why; this happens on occasion- I get really into seeing something. The last one was End of Watch, which ended up being so, so good. Kathryn Bigelow, do not let me down! Movies I do not want to see: The Hobbit, Lincoln, Parental Guidance, Jack Reacher, Rise of the Guardians, or Life of Pi. Yes, I just pulled up my Fandango App. Oh! And that reminds me- see The Silver Lining Playbook. Seriously.

 

Books for Non-Readers

Obligatory reminder about the giveaway. You should enter. Free things are good (and yes, I will ship internationally; Cory did so to me, so I'll pass along the favors. Plus, it will make me feel special at the post office).

So, apparently, some idiots people aren't readers. I don't claim to understand such nonsense, but there are still books you can buy for these stupid special people during this holiday season. 

Title: How to Speak Wookie 
Author: Wu Kae Smith
Good for: People who are frustrated there's no Rosetta Stone for Wookie.

Title: Melt 100 Amazing Adventures in Grilled Cheese 
Author: Shane Kearns

Good for: People who like grilled cheese. Duh.

Title: Understand Rap
Author: William Buckholz

Good for: White people

Title: 36 Hours: 150 Weekends in USA and Canada
Author: Barbara Ireland
Good for: People who need to get out more.

Title: How Smart is Your Dog? Test Your Pet IQ
Author: Parragon Books
Good for: People with an unnatural obsession with their dogs (yeah, so, I have it on my wish list now).

Title: The Best Shots You've Never Tried
Author: Andrew Bohrer

Good for: Alcoholics. College kids. 29 year old teachers who don't cope well with their problems.

Title: Great in Bed
Author: Debby Herbenick and Grant Stoddard
Good For: People that like the sex (a legitimate substitute for reading, I suppose).

Title: F NISH TH S B   K
Author: Keri Smith
Good for: People who think "anyone can write a book."

Title: Suri's Burn Book
Author: Allie Hagan
Good for: Fashionistas. Celebrity gossip fans. Pedophiles.

Title: Raising Unicorns
Author: Jessica S. Maques
Good for: People who think child rearing is a big fat waste of time.

NaNoWriMo Update #2

[yes, this looks like shit]

As of today, 13 days in, I should be approximately 21,666 words into NaNoWriMo. Instead, I have only written 15,013 (38 pages, by the way). Despite being nearly 7,000 words (or 4 days) behind, I'm actually quite pleased with my progress. Last week, at day 6, I was only 5,000 words in, so statistically I've improved in the past seven days. Plus, this is the most I have ever written in terms of fiction before, so I'll take it.

Thoughts from this week:

- I've finally got a lot of things established in terms of plot and charcters, so I feel like the ball has gotten rolling.

- Providing the reader with back-story that doesn't sound blatant can be time consuming. I firmly believe that the setting should tell you a lot about a character, as well as their actions, rather than a list of characteristics. Sometimes that easier said than done.

- Writing sex scenes is hard. I don't want to be ike "and then he stuck it in her hot-" or "and then she grabbed his big giant-" but on the other hand I don't want to take the PG route and end the scene with a shirt dropping and a door shutting. I don't plan on there being copious amounts of sex, but it's a natural, human act that has it's place in literature... if done correctly.

- I'm enjoying what I'm doing; sitting down to write doesn't seem like a chore, whether it's a day where I'm just writing a few hundred words or a few thousand.

- I don't write on Fridays, as my little chart to the right shows. Last week it was happy hour, and the week before it was something else. Maybe this week I'll break the trend.

-  I'm finding the more I write the more I want to talk about my story. The only person that knows anything about it whatsoever is my husband, but knowing him, and considering that the last time I mentioned the topic was years ago, he's probably forgotten. One blog I recently read (I can't remember which one!) dropped hints here and there in her posts, which I've considered. We'll see. 

By next Tuesday, when I hopefully update again, I should be over 33,000 words, meaning I need to more than double what I have right now.

 

John Irving Reading

source

Last night I drove the 90 minutes out to Santa Monica is order to attend John Irving's reading at the Aero Theater after a really, really long week. Like long as in "grueling, exhausting, I want to shoot myself for oh-so-many reasons" long. But it's over and we're moving on. 

source

First of all, the parking at the Aero is a complete bitch, which I know is par for the course in that area. Driving through Santa Monica made me extremely nostalgic for my UCLA days- the Big Blue Buses look very different. I know, no one knows what that means. After parking four-ish blocks away, I joined a line that was about two blocks long. Basically, Irving is like the rock star of the book world. Once in and seated, the reading started ten of fifteen minutes long and the audience was told that the format was going to be a little different from normal- Mr. Irving would not be doing a signing, he would not do an audience Q & A, and there would be no interviewer. Apparently when you're John Irving you can do whatever the hell you want (cough, antisocial, cough). In all fairness, though, I'm guessing he might have a little arthritis- he wrestled in his youth, writes his novels by hand (?!?!), and isn't exactly a spring chicken. Attendees were invited to submit questions via email ahead of time, which Irving's assistant and publisher went through. A little strange, but, then again writers aren't exactly normal. 

Irving started off the night by answering some questions regarding his sexuality- many people are wondering if he's a closeted bisexual, since the narrator for In One Person is, as have there been homosexual undertones to some of his other novels. He said that he is not, and did say that he finds it easier to write from the perspective of someone who is gay or bi, compared to someone who has little sex or is celibate, like a few other of his characters (translation: John Irving is a horny bastard). When I read the book I questioned the authenticity of his perspective as a straight man, and, to be honest, still slightly do. But, on the other hand, as someone who has no problem with homosexuality, I guess love is love and sex is sex, no matter who it's between. Would I feel comfortable and legit writing from a lesbian's point of view? Probably not, but he's a professional and I am so obviously not.

He then read a fairly long passage from his novel that centered around the main character have anal sex. Yup, the old man read the butt lovin' scene. He obviously relished saying the words "vagina" and "anal," which the audience found quite amusing. Maybe if he was my grandpa I'd have been disturbed, but there's something about an old man talking about adventurous sex that's pretty damn funny. It wasn't terribly graphic, but still...

Irving finished up with a few more questions, mostly regarding his portrayal of mothers throughout his novels, possible movie projects (he says he hates screenwriting but is considering turning this latest novel into a script, just as he did for his Oscar-winning treatment for Cider House Rules), and his writing process.

And then I downloaded the new-to-me Walk the Moon album and drove allllll the way home back to the land of "we aint have no readings."

As a quick side note, I added a new tab to the toolbar for readings I've attended. When I have more time I'll add the links that have posts, but we'll see when that happens, since life is about to get awesomely hectic starting tomorrow. It was time to take down the running tab- running and I are having some issues right now (I feel the urge to start training again, but I'm not quite sure if it's best for me current fitness goals). 

Nonfiction Nagging- Wild

We've discussed in great detail about how much I hate Oprah, and while I appreciate that her book club can motivate people to read, I would purposefully never take part in it. Key word: purposefully.

A few weeks ago I ordered Wild by Cheryl Strayed after reading about it in one of my issues of Runner's World- the story of a emotionally fragile woman who decided to take on the Pacific Crest Trail. And then that stupid Oprah bitch had to put it as the first selection of her 2.0 book club (whatever the hell that is). To make matters worse, I really wanted to read it before I hiked Half Dome, meaning I would be reading it at the same time all her little minions would be. Damn it to hell.

In through the nose, out through the nose. 

Let's start over.

I just finished Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, a memoir about her time hiking the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT), a route that starts at the Mexico-California borders and goes right on up to Canada. Strayed caught the trail in the Mojave, headed towards the base of the Sierras, had to detour by bus because of snow and then rejoined the trail near Reno, where she hiked through to the Oregon-Washington border. Strayed was young, devastated by the death of her mother and failed marriage, and clueless about what to do with the rest of her life. On a random trip to REI to buy a shovel she saw a book on the PCT and soon decided to go for it. 

Quick Synopsis

Source

Strayed was seriously ill-prepared for the monumental task she took on. Her pack was at least twice as heavy as it should have been, her boots were too small (goodbye toenails), and she was constantly broke. She faced hours of loneliness and solitude on the trail (over 100 days), which gave her plenty of time to reflect on what had gone wrong in her life. Strayed cheated on her wonderful husband after her mother died and had dabbled in some hardcore drugs (heroin). She was short of graduating from college by one class and had very little contact with the family she was left with. Strayed was nothing short of a wreck.

Slowly she becomes stronger, emotionally and physically. She picks up valuable insight from other hikers, many of which become friends she sees throughout her trek. Her hikes become more efficient and she becomes a pro at making and breaking camp. She comes to term with what has happened in her life and feels more confident about life as she progresses along the PCT. 

Personally...

I liked this book, although I thought it was going to be a tad better than it was. I was immediately drawn to it because I too often decide to do things on a whim. It takes me weeks to hem and haw about getting a new pair of Toms, but I decided to go to Italy with my sister in a matter of two days. I've been researching fake grass to install in the backyard for almost a month, but decided to hike Half Dome with my brother after taking a picture of it one winter. I also really appreciated her perseverance and tolerance for pain, dirt, and poor hygiene (she took probably less than ten showers the entire time). I was constantly impressed withe camaraderie between the hikers and the helpfulness of those near the trail, including REI's willingness to overnight her a pair of boots when she called their customer satisfaction line.

Source

I did have a few issues with the text, though. First of all, Strayed includes random tidbits regarding sex that seemed so out of place and awkward (like when she confesses that she hasn't even taken the time to pleasure herself on the trail or when she describes a scene that involves herself and a man, some boulders and a little honey...). At times she's just plain annoying, like when she confesses she wishes her trail name would be something like "mother effing queen of the trail" (or maybe it was "queen of the mother effing trail") or when she manages to lose one of her boots over a mountain (who the hell does that?). There was a lot of wallowing and sentimental reflection, which there's nothing wrong with, I'm just not always the most sympathetic reader (just because your mom died doesn't mean you get to be all slutty and shoot heroin... I guess we all cope in different ways). 

All in all I thought it was a good, quick read that had enough of the nature/roughing it aspect to keep me interested. It was paced well, the narration was thoughtful, and the writing was decent. I am now extremely interested in the PCT and would love to hike some portions of it. I am hoping to get to spend at least a little time on it when I go to Tahoe in a few weeks. If not, there's always next summer...

Why 'Fifty Shades of Gray' is a Bad Idea*

1. It was inspired by Twilight- E.L. James started writing Twilight fan-fiction and it slowly morphed into her own series.

2. When I say "inspired," I mean "heavily inspired." I make it no secret that I think Twilight is crap, but I am more opposed to blatantly "borrowing" ideas, which many readers have reported has happened here (remember, I haven't read it, but it's being said over and over again by those who have). If it weren't for Twilight she wouldn't have her text. There are some really great comparisons under the "one star" reviews on Amazon and on Galley Cat. Originality is important to me; I'm hearing this is not.

3. From what the reviews say, the writing is somewhere around an eighth grade level. Are you serious? Grown adults are spending money and time reading "novels" that are something a hormonal little girl who fantasizes about Justin Bieber can fully comprehend? Really? Way to sell your self short, people. But, then again, mainstream adult fiction reading at a low level is nothing new.

4. This book has been labeled with the term "mommy porn," a phrase that definitely gives me the heebie jeebies. Personally, that invokes the image of a thirty-five year old woman getting bonged in the laundry room with Windex in one hand and little Ben's bottle in the other. No thanks. I don't have a problem with porn or erotica, but "mommy porn" is definitely not a turn on. And yes, I get that the term means that it's porn for mommies, but still.

5. The reported advance James made from selling the hard-copy rights over to Vintage is seven figures. Over a million dollars! This is insane. Ridiculous. Like poetry, anyone can write romance. It's a formula: girl meets boy, girl has a problem, boy pretends to fix it, they do it, they do it again a different way, some other surface level plot event happens, they do it again, etc... Seven effing figures (no pun intended).

6. The series acquired its immense following as an eReader format. Can this get any worse?

7. Oh, and there's going to be a movie.

8. On a serious level, there are concerns about just how the sex and relationships are presented. Dr. Drew Pinsky, on his HLN show, discussed the dangerous "rape fantasy" aspect of the book (it's about a woman who basically enters a contract to be someone's sex slave). Granted I don't think we can hold a book responsible for making people act a certain way, it's definitely not healthy to glamorize it. I also agree with Drew's, and others', belief that it sets the women's movement back, as does anything that sets women up as sexually helpless. It's one thing to bust out the handcuffs and blindfolds occasionally, but the idea of romanticizing total sexual domination is not cool with me.

9. There are three of them.

10. The fact that this book is getting so much attention is extremely aggravating. I understand that this post has now become a piece of hypocrisy, but I don't care. It's so infuriating that quality literature is lucky to get a short write up hidden on page seventeen of a newspaper or magazine, while this is getting segments on TV shows. I try to placate myself with the reassurance that I don't necessarily want to read what the "masses" are, but...

Conclusion: if you read this I will cut you (out of my life).

Photo Credit: The Writer's Coffee Shop

*I haven't read this, nor will I ever.

Note: Due to the exceptionally well-written comment (see below) by "Anonymous," I'd like to add that this is more a diatribe as to why I will not read it. In case you hadn't yet figured that out....

Valentine's Edition- CILFs

Let's just clear something up right now- for 99% of men, and probably 50% of women, Valentine's Day is about scoring tail. You know it, I know it, and every Hallmark card maker knows it. There really isn't anything wrong with that, but let's just remember "I love you more than anything and can't imagine my life without you" just means "take off your clothes and jump in the sack."

So, in honor of this fun little holiday, I bring to you CILFs: Characters I'd Like to- well, you know. Make loooooooove to (is it just me, or does that phrase make anyone else want to vomit?). It's like a MILF, but for literature (still clueless? Visit Urban Dictionary and get with the program).

Sam Spade (The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett)- There's something hot about an old school detective, especially when I usually picture modern day ones as old, balding and fat.

Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee)- Once you get over the fact that he comes with a little baggage (single dad alert), the man is definitely an option. Calm, intelligent, and passionate about what he believes in? Impossible to resist. Plus, I love the name Atticus and almost named my dog that.

Snape (Harry Potter by JK Rowling)- Every girl loves the bad boy that's not really completely bad. Plus, I thought it might be a little too dirty if I put Harry himself. Runner up- Dumbledore (the beard would definitely get in the way, though).

Guy Montag (Fahrenheit 451 by Rray Bradbury)- Another bad boy with a good side. Yes, he burns books at first, which is a definite turn off, but then he sees the light. He could have stayed at my house while on the run- we could read all night long.

Will Freeman (About a Boy by Nick Hornby)- Yes, I understand that Hornby may not have created the character under the pretense that he'd look like Hugh Grant, but it doesn't hurt. Bottom line- a jack ass that ends up liking a kid and changing because of what he learns. I'm such a sucker for that kind of crap (in life... not necessarily literature).

Gus Mcrae (Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry)- Fine, he's a womanizer and a little rough around the edges, but he's cowboy! There's just something about pirates and cowboys... By the way, I really love this book- all 854 pages of it.

Homer Wells (Cider House Rules by John Irving)- Yes, yes, I know he doesn't necessarily look like Tobey Maguire, but Homer's an orphan, doctor, and all around good guy. Plus he ends up respecting Rose's "right to choose" after being impregnated by her own father. And he likes apples. So do I!

I hope your day is filled with drugstore-bought chocolate hearts and roses sold by the checkout counter.

My Fetish

It's always entertaining me to include sexual innuendos in my blogs- it really ups the traffic and makes the directing search terms hilarious. My favorite is "small gnome sex." Unfortunately, if you're looking for naked chics willing tickle you, spank you with a riding crop, or berate you for being a "very naughty boy," you've probably come to the wrong place (admittedly I do my fair amount of scolding during the day, but I remain completely clothed, thankyouverymuch).

Alas, my fetish is much more tame. Magazines, magazines and more magazines.

It all started off when I was in sixth grade or so, and my mom got my sister and I a subscription to Sassy. She'd read it while walking home from the mail box down the street and would pull out the "inappropriate" articles and hand us the rest, allowing us to learn how to make DIY face masks, figure out if boys liked us, or how exactly we should do our hair that fall. Magazines had all the answers to my problems and were going to make me more attractive, popular, and ready for all those up-and-coming encounters with the opposite sex.

Fast-forward a few years. Now I was reading Seventeen, Teen, People, and my mom's Redbook when she wasn't around (just in case I needed a recipe, advice on how to remove stains, or keep my lackluster marriage alive). Life was decent, all thanks to the magazines, I'm sure.

During my senior year in high school my mom must have realized I was doomed, so she quit monitoring my periodical consumption. I started devouring Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and InStyle, which ended up only being gateway drugs into a number of other titles. Luckily, I knew the value of the subscription, and for asking for them as gifts. At the time I was an avid-elliptical user and blew through the magazines like crazy. Now, with the whole running thing, it's not happening. Have I mentioned the subscription list has grown exponentially since college? For your entertainment:

Current Subscriptions

In Style (I'll never be able to afford the clothes, but they're so pretty, and each issue is so nicely done)
Glamour (on the verge of canceling... maybe)
Vanity Fair (good articles)
New Yorker (to bring me down a notch when I'm feeling too smart)
Women's Health (because I'm a woman, and I like to be healthy)
Runner's World (I had heard it automatically made you faster just by reading... still waiting...)
Self (super generic, but super cheap and easy to read while power walking)
Shape (because I'd like to get one some day)
Bon Appetite (the food looks delicious but it's just about expired and I'm not renewing)

Recent Cancellations

Cosmopolitan (there are only so many ways to please a man, for crap's sake)
Food Network Magazine (this was my fault and I probably should renew)
Every Day- Rachel Ray (she's such an annoying bitch, but her recipes are decent; another one I should renew)
Marie Claire (they wrote an article falsely portraying some health blogs I love, so as an act of solidarity I cancelled)
Travel (it was free, but I don't appreciate the constant reminder that I live in a less-than tropical and culturally unsatisfying location)

Favorites

Runners World
In Style

Confession

Playboy (it started off as a joke; my husband got it for me for Christmas one year and I ended up really enjoying the articles, some of which feature writers like Michael Chabon and other contemporary novelists. Unfortunately, it's really expensive so I didn't renew)

Possible Future Acquisitions

Real Simple (because my life is too complicated)
House Beautiful (in case I need some decorating tips)
Cooking Light (since cooking heavy is bad)
Jugs (because if I look at them long enough maybe mine will grow)

I really should cancel them all together- magazines are horrible for the environment and they tend to pile up since I only read them when I use the elliptical or power walk, or am at a doctor's office. But, you never know- they may solve all my problems and how tragic would it be if I missed out on that? Besides, it's my contribution to keeping print alive.

Reading is Sexy, Godammit!

My first few days of teaching various language arts related courses at the high school level has made me sadly aware that today's youth thinks the same way as yesterday's- reading is for nerds. When asking the students to share the topics they chose for a movie or book summary I asked them to write, none of the students shared about a book. Interestingly, when I later flipped through their papers, some of them actually did read books over the summer (gasp). Granted, their choices did make me cringe, but I'll give them credit for reading (I give kids a much bigger break on their selection choices). They didn't want to admit to it, though, in front of their peers, for fear of being labeled a dork or nerd. Perhaps if I taught AP or IB classes it would be different, but these kids, unfortunately, represent the opinions of the general public.

So, what is it with society? Why does is there such a stigma attached to reading? Yeah, people cut you a break if you're dabbling in something light, such as Twilight, or the latest celebrity biography, but the rest of us get labeled as dorks when seen willingly reading Philip Roth ("are you taking a class?"). Let's face it, as a whole, society doesn't like to learn. People don't really care about increasing their intelligence if it requires effort. The masses are lazy and would rather watch Jersey Shore than pick up that rectangular thing with all those fucking words. They're intimidated by people who want to become more knowledgeable, because, seriously, let's face it- we could take over the world.

Being ignorant isn't sexy. Being willing to acquire knowledge, challenge yourself, and realize there are different perspectives in this world is. This can be done without reading. But, for those of with lives and budgets, opening that rectangular thing with all those fucking words is an easy way to evolve.