This is Why I'm Not a Writer

One day I would like to publish a novel. Then I would like to take a sabbatical from my job and go on a fun, exciting, international book tour, while wearing pretty dresses from Anthropologie and demanding that my assistant (a hilarious gay man who doubles as my personal shopper) make reservations for me at all the best restaurants.

Stop laughing. It's very realistic. Extremely.

Well, it would be realistic if I'd actually write a novel, or, at least maybe put some of those word thingies down on paper (or screen).

Today I decided that I'd spend an hour doing exactly that and here's what happened:

Minutes 0-2: Should I write or type? Write or type? Write ideas, type later. Okay.

Minutes 2-5: I'm kind of thirsty. I need some Diet Coke. And some Triscuits. I really love Triscuits now that they have these new cheese ones. The original ones are so boring.

Minutes 5-10: The dogs really need to go outside. And I should probably grab the mail.

Minutes 10-15: Once upon a time...

Minutes 15-25: Oooooh, the new Crate and Barrel catalog is here. We're going to need a lot of furniture whenever we buy a house... God that entertainment center on page 14 is perfect. Sticky note to show husband. Ugh. Why is it in so many pieces? Can't they just tell me the price for the whole thing? Oh, and I like that blender on page 36. I miss my blender, but it totally wasn't my fault I dropped it on my foot and it broke. If we had bigger cabinets things would fit better. Maybe I should check Zillow...

Minutes 25-30: Okay, I need to get back on task. Okay. Writing. Brainstorming about characters. Why are there flowers in the margin? Where did those come from? This reminds me of high school.

Minutes 30-35: Hey, speaking of high school, what the hell is going on with our reunion? Must check Facebook page. What the hell? People still want to bring their kids? No one is willing to plan it? Forget it, I'm going to go on vacation over Christmas anyway.

Minutes 35-45: Hello, Travelocity. Where should we go for Christmas this year? It's really too bad Ireland and Scotland aren't on the other side of the equator. A tropical cruise? Seattle or Vancouver?

Minutes 45-48: Characters, right. Okay. I think the main character should look like Rachel McAdams. Or maybe that girl from Zombieland and Easy A, but with the brownish-red hair, not the horrible blond she has now. Why does it matter what she looks like? Jesus, focus, Christine, focus.

Minutes 48-52: I really need to update my Netflix queue. What's the name of that one movie? With that guy from that show? Crap. It has that girl in it...

Minutes 52-57: I wonder what the character should be named. I really don't like writing the initials MC (main character) for her, because that reminds of Mariah Carey, and I hate that bitch.

Minutes 57-59: I need to pee. Damn Diet Coke.

Minutes 59-60: Crap, time's up. Shit. I was really enjoying this and now it's time to stop and do laundry. Okay, tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll totally do th
is again.

Geez, how do Mary Higgins Clark and Nicholas Sparks do it? Oh wait, they write crap.


  1. HAHA! You're a lot crazier than I thought. I LIKE IT!

  2. Well when you DO write something, I can tell it will be a great read!

    You sound like me back in college when I was attempting to get homework done... :-)

  3. This made me laugh so much!!!! I'm a freelance writer, so this is how I spend most of my day. It's a wonder I actually get any work done!!!!

  4. Ahahah - this cracked me up. Sounds very similar to my process of trying to write papers in college!